Mauvais Voyage or GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
Aug. 4th, 2006 10:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xerox78#$%$^% #%% $^^ #$%#$ &^&^&$ %$%$* &*&*!!!!!!!!!
This is just not fair.
Backstory: My mother's side of the family is having a reunion in Maryland this weekend. We are due to leave tomorrow morning. Initially, 6 or 7 people were going to ride with us and my mother was going to rent a minivan for all of us to ride in and we were going to stay in a hotel or motel and we would all split the cost for both. Well, one of my mother's sisters decided that she wanted to ride up to MD with another one of their sisters and my grandmother decided she didn't want to go at all. Therefore, we were down to four people: myself, my mother, my stepfather, and one of my mother brothers. We were going to ride in my mother's car and one of her aunts in MD offered for us to stay at her house, which has three extra bedrooms. Cool, right? Wrong. I came home at 10:30 tonight to find a message from my mother on my answering machine saying that Grandma changed her mind and wanted to go after all. (This happened after 7:00 pm tonight because that's the time I left home.)
So guess who is going to be stuck riding in the middle of the backseat all the way to MD? And guess who is going to be stuck sleeping on the floor because there aren't enough beds to go around? And guess who is going to have to give up her share of the food? And guess who is going to have to leave half or more of her things at home to make room for Grandma's things? And guess who will probably be stuck being lectured to by Grandma and who knows who about being grateful to have a nice ride to MD if she dares show any slight displeasure at any of these situations?
Since we're leaving tomorrow at 7:30 am (although if Grandma is true to character, it won't be until 10:00 because she'll just be getting out of bed and her things won't be packed), renting a van and reserving any hotel rooms are out of the question. Plus, my mother says that the cost will be too much, even split between 5 people (which would really be 4 people since Grandma has no money). So instead, the other just decided to dump on the youngest person with the least say in anything in the group to make room for her.
I've been looking forward to this trip for weeks and now I am seriously considering staying home, because I know I'll be miserable. The only reason it's not concrete is because it will be hard to justify to my boss asking for today and Monday off if I don't actually go anywhere.
This is just not fair. *punches wall*
(I apologize if the French in the title is shaky, but I've been out of school for 9 years.)
ETA: Normally I wouldn't be so angry, but my grandmother does this kind of thing all the time. She'll ask someone to drive her somewhere and then wait until they arrive at the house to tell them that she decided not to go after all. Or she'll ask some to drive her to a store like Wal-Mart, and when they get there, say "Did I say I wanted to go to Wal-Mart? Actually, I meant I'd like to go to Big Lots (which is 5 miles away from Wal-Mart in the opposite direction)." If anyone tries to call her out, she breaks out the "but I'm your mother/grandmother and I'm old and sick" guilt trip and sometimes even the tears. I'm sure if my mother had told her that it was too late to come along she would have given my mother the "This might be the last chance I have to see my father and sisters" line. Who could say no to that, since it's true. Plus, she knows which of her kids can be pushed over the most easily, and that includes my mother.
This is just not fair.
Backstory: My mother's side of the family is having a reunion in Maryland this weekend. We are due to leave tomorrow morning. Initially, 6 or 7 people were going to ride with us and my mother was going to rent a minivan for all of us to ride in and we were going to stay in a hotel or motel and we would all split the cost for both. Well, one of my mother's sisters decided that she wanted to ride up to MD with another one of their sisters and my grandmother decided she didn't want to go at all. Therefore, we were down to four people: myself, my mother, my stepfather, and one of my mother brothers. We were going to ride in my mother's car and one of her aunts in MD offered for us to stay at her house, which has three extra bedrooms. Cool, right? Wrong. I came home at 10:30 tonight to find a message from my mother on my answering machine saying that Grandma changed her mind and wanted to go after all. (This happened after 7:00 pm tonight because that's the time I left home.)
So guess who is going to be stuck riding in the middle of the backseat all the way to MD? And guess who is going to be stuck sleeping on the floor because there aren't enough beds to go around? And guess who is going to have to give up her share of the food? And guess who is going to have to leave half or more of her things at home to make room for Grandma's things? And guess who will probably be stuck being lectured to by Grandma and who knows who about being grateful to have a nice ride to MD if she dares show any slight displeasure at any of these situations?
Since we're leaving tomorrow at 7:30 am (although if Grandma is true to character, it won't be until 10:00 because she'll just be getting out of bed and her things won't be packed), renting a van and reserving any hotel rooms are out of the question. Plus, my mother says that the cost will be too much, even split between 5 people (which would really be 4 people since Grandma has no money). So instead, the other just decided to dump on the youngest person with the least say in anything in the group to make room for her.
I've been looking forward to this trip for weeks and now I am seriously considering staying home, because I know I'll be miserable. The only reason it's not concrete is because it will be hard to justify to my boss asking for today and Monday off if I don't actually go anywhere.
This is just not fair. *punches wall*
(I apologize if the French in the title is shaky, but I've been out of school for 9 years.)
ETA: Normally I wouldn't be so angry, but my grandmother does this kind of thing all the time. She'll ask someone to drive her somewhere and then wait until they arrive at the house to tell them that she decided not to go after all. Or she'll ask some to drive her to a store like Wal-Mart, and when they get there, say "Did I say I wanted to go to Wal-Mart? Actually, I meant I'd like to go to Big Lots (which is 5 miles away from Wal-Mart in the opposite direction)." If anyone tries to call her out, she breaks out the "but I'm your mother/grandmother and I'm old and sick" guilt trip and sometimes even the tears. I'm sure if my mother had told her that it was too late to come along she would have given my mother the "This might be the last chance I have to see my father and sisters" line. Who could say no to that, since it's true. Plus, she knows which of her kids can be pushed over the most easily, and that includes my mother.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-17 05:35 am (UTC)Your grandmother sounds like the kind of person that I have to deal with in therapy all the time. She's doing what's known as 'learned helplessness' i.e. very selective helpful things. It's both an attention getting mechanism and a power play. Kids do it all the time - they use the "I'm too little and helpless to take out the garbage/babysit/do my homework, but not too helpless to watch TV/play video games." Either Grandma feels ignored and behaving like a royal PITA is the only way she gets attention, or she's being a tyrant and all around nasty.
The main way you deal with that sort of thing is carry things through to their logical conclusion. If she insists on acting like an invalid, treat her like one, with all the disadvantages that being old and sick REALLY include. If she's too sick she might be dying, she really shouldn't be going out. If she can't remember which store she wants to, she should be staying at home and letting someone else do the troublesome errands.
If you think she's doing this because she needs attention and company, try to give her some normal attention and make her feel capable. If there's something she does well, chore wise, let her do it and praise her, or try to cut her off the pass, by praising her in advance for things she hasn't done yet. For example, next time she tries the Wal Mart stunt, don't smoulder and turn the car around. Say something like: "Oh Grandma, that's OK, I know you won't make me drive an extra 10 miles, so you don't mind going to Big Lots" (That's over the top, but you get my point). The most important thing is to keep boundaries. If she botches up the address, then make it clear that you're sorry, but you did your part.
Just to warn you, family systems and family patterns are a hard thing to break, because once one member starts acting outside of the script, then everyone else is going to try to push them back into their old role. If everyone sees that Grandma is no longer able to push you around, they might decide to guilt trip you, because they're A. Afraid grandma will take out her frustration on them or B. Feel irritated that you managed to escape. Try to get others to see your view and if it doesn't work, stick to your position. After all, family patterns are passed on, and you probably don't want this be the code YOUR mom will be following in 20 years or so
Part 1
Date: 2006-08-19 01:19 am (UTC)I had meant to post an update and I forgot until I got your response. The trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Riding in the car was pretty miserable, especially when my grandmother got gas on the way back, but otherwise I had a good time. I got to sleep in a bed after all because Grandma's arthritis is so bad she can't navigate steps well. It takes her a good five minutes to walk up three porch steps, and that's with two people helping her, because she has to rest on each step. So there was no way she could make it up an entire flight, so her sister just put her on the couch in the den for the night. When we arrived at the park where the reunion was being held, Grandma had to be driven right up to the picnic area, which was about 100 feet from where we were parked because it would have taken her a good half hour to walk and we didn't have room for the wheelchair she sometimes uses. A lot of our travel time was just trying to get her in and out of the car. I had a good time at the actual reunion.
I reread my original post and I sound pretty bratty. I love my grandmother very much but sometimes I get so frustrated with her. She can't help a lot of what is wrong with her but some of it she has done to herself. About 3-3.5 years ago, she had major brain surgery on a tumor. They cut as much of it out as they could without disturbing her brain and afterward she had radiation appointments to get rid of the rest of it. Her doctor also prescribed physical therapy and aquatic therapy. She was going to both therapies and doing pretty well until the whole tumor was gone and she didn't have to see that doctor anymore. Within a few months, she had quit both therapies because she just didn't feel like going. Since she doesn't have to see that doctor anymore, she knows there is no one to scold her for dropping out. Now she is far worse than she was before the surgery or therapy because she developed arthritis in her hips and legs.
Your grandmother sounds like the kind of person that I have to deal with in therapy all the time. She's doing what's known as 'learned helplessness' i.e. very selective helpful things. It's both an attention getting mechanism and a power play. Kids do it all the time - they use the "I'm too little and helpless to take out the garbage/babysit/do my homework, but not too helpless to watch TV/play video games." Either Grandma feels ignored and behaving like a royal PITA is the only way she gets attention, or she's being a tyrant and all around nasty.
Yeah, she does have that "benevolent tyrant" thing going on. My mother and aunts and uncles would probably agree with you. They think she's not completely as bad off as she acts, but she likes the attention, and that she can move pretty fast when she wants to (without her cane or walker), usually when she wants something. About 2.5 years ago, my mother's youngest sister, who lives with my grandparents off and on, moved to Detroit, MI for a while. She did all the chores in their house and she used to complain a lot, but everyone just thought she was being grouchy. After she left, the remaining siblings who weren't deceased/out of state (6) got together with some of their kids and decided how to split up the chores to help the grandparents. Well, we all got a new respect for my aunt when we found out exactly how much work she had been doing.
Part 2
Date: 2006-08-19 01:27 am (UTC)If you think she's doing this because she needs attention and company, try to give her some normal attention and make her feel capable. If there's something she does well, chore wise, let her do it and praise her, or try to cut her off the pass, by praising her in advance for things she hasn't done yet. For example, next time she tries the Wal Mart stunt, don't smoulder and turn the car around. Say something like: "Oh Grandma, that's OK, I know you won't make me drive an extra 10 miles, so you don't mind going to Big Lots" (That's over the top, but you get my point). The most important thing is to keep boundaries. If she botches up the address, then make it clear that you're sorry, but you did your part.
Some of my aunts and uncles and cousins do this already, while some are more eager to please, like my mother and me. I think my mother feels the most responsibility because she is the oldest and I tend to take after her, not a total pushover but will do as much as I can. Like I said, she knows which ones to ask.
The thing is, neither grandparent likes to do much for themselves. My grandfather is one of those "that's women's work!" types and I think my grandmother got used to being taken care of after the surgery and still wants to be. One aunt is in charge of grocery shopping and she asked them to make a list beforehand, but they won't. My mother is in charge of laundry and she asked them to separate the clothes into light, dark, etc. piles and they won't do that either. Their house is always a mess because they haven't even put dirty dishes in the sink, or stuff in the garbage, or clothes in the hamper, and you usually have to clean and/or run to the store to pick up whatever they have run out of. And roaches have discovered their place. :o( A month ago, a bunch of us went over there to clean up their bedrooms because they had so much piled up junk that Grandma has had a few accidents on herself because she couldn't maneuver around the clutter to get to the bathroom in time.
They can't or won't handle things themselves, they don't want to move out even though the house is falling apart and they don't even want to hire a housekeeper or nurse to help them out, even though their health insurance would pay for it. Grandma makes excuses like she is scared that my grandfather will make comments to offend the nurse/housekeeper. They just want the children and grandchildren to do everything. There are 15+ of us in town but we all have jobs, families, etc. and we can't really keep up all the time.
Regarding the Wal-Mart/Big Lots thing, Grandma has a penchant for changing her mind about all kinds of things, but instead of speaking up right away before we've gone too far, she'll wait until we get there to say she changed her mind even though she changed it before we got out of the neighborhood. We can't always tell if she is doing a power play or if it's an effect of her surgery.
After all, family patterns are passed on, and you probably don't want this be the code YOUR mom will be following in 20 years or so
I think my she doesn't want that! When we got back, she told my sf and I that she is planning to get those arthroscopic knee surgeries her doctor recommended. And she is the type who doesn't go to the doctor when she has aches and pains because she's "getting old and they can't go anything about it anyway", plus I think she's scared of going under the knife and being incapacitated for a while. I think after spending the weekend with her mother and seeing how bad off she is, she doesn't want to end up that way. (Plus, I'm her only child and I have no children (yet?) who could help me take care of her.) I think my mother is aiming to be more like my sf's mom, who was in fairly good shape until her death at 83. (Grandma is only 76.)
Thanks for the advice!